A Christmas story written for the concert at the Isis Tavern on 17 December.<\/p>\n
\nThere are three wise-guys: Ego, Id and Superego. It\u2019s the 25th of December, except they don\u2019t call it that but something else expressed in a weird Babylonian base-60 number system. Id is peering through his OWL or overwhelmingly large telescope trying to observe Princess Salome taking a shower in Herod\u2019s palace 800 miles away when he spots a strange star on the horizon.
\n
\nHe turns to Ego and says, \u2018Aaauughwrr?\u2019 Ego puts his eye to the eyepiece and shouts out, \u2018Jesus! We\u2019ve discovered a new star, they\u2019re going to name it after me!\u2019<\/p>\n\u2018Don\u2019t be ridiculous,\u2019 counters Superego, \u2018That\u2019s a Christmas light except they aren\u2019t called that yet because Christmas hasn\u2019t been invented.\u2019<\/p>\n
He reduces the magnification on the OWL telescope. This is a tricky feat that involves directing oxen in a treadmill geared up to the main reflector \u2013 a polished brass disc 197 cubits in diameter. The trio concludes that an array of yet-to-be-called Christmas lights has been arranged on top of an East End boozer called the Bethlehem Inn.<\/p>\n
\u2018There\u2019s some kind of message,\u2019 announces Superego.<\/p>\n
\u2018Aramaic?\u2019 ventures Ego.<\/p>\n
Superego shakes his head, deep in thought.<\/p>\n
\u2018Linear A?\u2019<\/p>\n
Agains Superego shakes his head.<\/p>\n
\u2018Linear B?\u2019<\/p>\n
More shaking of the head.<\/p>\n
At last Superego proclaims authoritatively, \u2018That is mirror writing and I have deciphered it.\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018It\u2019s for our eyes only!\u2019 exclaims Ego.<\/p>\n
\u2018Ueeheurrh!\u2019 says Id.<\/p>\n
\u2018It\u2019s a summons,\u2019 continues Superego, \u2018The King of the Jews is born. Our new God awaits.\u2019<\/p>\n
Ego looks at Superego quizzically. Superego is a Neo-Platonist Zoroastrian but Ego is a Scientologist. Id is a Primal Scream Pan-Spiritualist.<\/p>\n
\u2018There\u2019s no time to waste,\u2019 urges Superego so they set off straight away on horseback.<\/p>\n
Ego is dressed in evening wear, Id sports a gorilla suit and Superego is wearing a Superdry gagoole.<\/p>\n
793 miles later Superego intones, \u2018With our indomitable will we have made it across the desert.\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018Are we nearly there yet?\u2019 Ego asks Id, and Ed, who was Id\u2019s horse, says, \u2018I wish I was a camel,\u2019 and promptly dies.<\/p>\n
The party makes it\u2019s way through the city gates and eventually arrives at the Bethlehem Inn.<\/p>\n
The bouncer, a mulleted bruiser with proto-neo-fascist and neo-proto-fascist sympathies, steps forward.<\/p>\n
\u2018Have you got any ID?\u2019 he barks at Id.<\/p>\n
Id replies, \u2018Eeeeaaaauw.\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018If you\u2019re gonna be like that you\u2019re barred mate!\u2019<\/p>\n
Superego steps in, \u2018Our duty is to pay our dues to the King of the Jews.\u2019<\/p>\n
The bouncer looks at him contemptuously.<\/p>\n
\u2018Just some more fucking Yids,\u2019 he spits.<\/p>\n
Sniffing weakness like an elephant detecting lion faeces he steps forward, adopting an aggressive karate stance that is yet to be invented in medieval Japan.<\/p>\n
\u2018Not the face, not the face,\u2019 pleads Ego.<\/p>\n
The bouncer smirks sadistically \u2026 but then omits a howl of pain as Id, with the snuffling sound of a wild boar in heat, bites his nose off.<\/p>\n
\u2018Well that was going a bit far,\u2019 sighs Superego.<\/p>\n
The three barge through the doors of the Bethlehem Inn and prostrate themselves on the floor.<\/p>\n
\u2018All hail the King of the Jews, our Lord!\u2019 declaims Superego.<\/p>\n
The punters stare at them as if they\u2019re mad, which is exactly what they look like.<\/p>\n
\u2018God botherers again \u2026\u2019 mutters a sozzled man at the bar.<\/p>\n
A woman with a face addled by years of heavy gin abuse spits out a four-letter word: the tetragrammaton.<\/p>\n
\u2018No his son,\u2019 answers Superego.<\/p>\n
\u2018Oh him, the young-looking one,\u2019 replies the woman, \u2018He\u2019s gone to the Pret A Manger down the road for a skinny latte and a crayfish and rocket wrap.\u2019<\/p>\n
Ego, Id and Superego find the infant Jesus in the sandwich bar surrounded by his entourage, consisting of: <\/p>\n
\nthe Carpenters;<\/p>\n
the Shepherd Gang \u2013 a tasty little crew from the edge of the city, known for fleecing goat rustlers after getting tip-offs from corrupt legionaries;<\/p>\n
the twins Eros and Thanatos, who are never awake at the same time;<\/p>\n
Jocasta \u2013 Jesus\u2019s mother, though he won\u2019t realise that until after he sleeps with her;<\/p>\n
and finally, slightly aloof in the corner, hovering between the coffee machine and the ceiling, the Angel Delight.\n<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Baby Jesus looks up from his skinny latte, wipes the froth from his upper lip and stands up, arms outstretched.<\/p>\n
\u2018We are gathered here today to witness the castration of God. The Godhead will be decapitated and I will undergo psychoanalysis to resolve my neuroses. And mankind will be free of emotional conflict for evermore. Follow me and I will lead the dance.\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018Christ! He\u2019s a nutter,\u2019 whispers Ego.<\/p>\n
\u2018I fear it is so,\u2019 agrees Superego, stepping forward to the counter. \u2018I\u2019ll have a double macchiato and some beetroot and parsnip crisps please.\u2019<\/p>\n
Ego orders a capuchino with chocolate sprinkles and Id moans and gestures towards a bottle of syrup by the cash register.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
A Christmas story written for the concert at the Isis Tavern on 17 December. There are three wise-guys: Ego, Id and Superego. It\u2019s the 25th of December, except they don\u2019t call it that but something else expressed in a weird Babylonian base-60 number system. Id is peering through his OWL or overwhelmingly large telescope trying […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[45,128],"tags":[138,139,140,141,142],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.moogieman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1332"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.moogieman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.moogieman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.moogieman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.moogieman.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1332"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"http:\/\/www.moogieman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1332\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2372,"href":"http:\/\/www.moogieman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1332\/revisions\/2372"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.moogieman.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1332"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.moogieman.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1332"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.moogieman.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1332"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}